I had to write a very brief intro to myself for a group describing who I “really” am at my core, “beyond your resume, awards, or accolades.” This is what I finally read to them:
Category Archives: humor
Can I name my new van Tonto?
Naming vehicles is silly. On the other hand, I’ve named blank sheets of paper for a long time, and occasionally make money at it. I named one ream of blank paper “Jumper.” Others pages became Belinda, Marcus, Malcom, Billy Billy Billy, The Magician who was learning electronics, Miss Pounder the exercise instructor who inadvertently taught math, Bruce the Duck who saved the day, the evil Nightsmoke, Pon, Braindead the Algebra Student, and many more. Naming things is kind of what I do. Continue reading →
Jumper on Writing
If you neglect a writing project for too long the characters go feral on you. That voice you’d been following clams up. The path of the plot disappears into shadows and fog; the magic idea that twinkled and fluttered in your peripheral vision stiffens into a scrap of lifeless cardboard. Continue reading →
Excuses for Not Blogging
I haven’t checked in here for a while, but I’ve got excuses.
First, obviously, I’m lazy. That’s the one trait I seem to share with many great writers. I’d write a blog post about it, but that seems like kind of a bother. Continue reading →
Political Plagiarism
Rand Paul is upset that people caught him using lines from Wikipedia and elsewhere as if they were his own. He feels like a victim and wishes he could just duel someone to settle it all. Or spend a couple days in detention after school, but certainly not his whole career. His words, I hasten to admit. Personally, I think most of what he did was harmless and we should cut him some slack. Continue reading →
Conservative Bus Driver
The conservative movement has a tough challenge. It says “Buses are the problem. Buses are evil. All buses should be driven off a cliff.” Then it turns around and says, “OK, folks, please elect me to be your bus driver.”
The Writing Loft
I’ve been cleaning up my “loft area” with the intent of spending more time there. I call it my “loft area” but it’s really a tiny corner of a back room/shipping area in a very old metal warehouse building that I’ve owned for a long time. Most of the building is rented out, but I keep that one area (the least desirable corner of the building) to store and ship books. Several years ago I built a raised platform out of used lumber so I could sit near the only window to write. The narrow window is near the ceiling, designed to let in light, not because anyone would ever want to savor the view of the parking lot. That platform is my “loft.” I feel comfortable there, but haven’t used it in a long time. It turns out that crappy little spaces built of crude materials by unskilled guys do not improve with years of neglect.
The Right to Bear Snakes
From T. Jefferson to Madison, Hamilton et al
December 26, 1787
Hey guys,
I’m still having trouble with the amendment the way you have it written. Granted, the “right to own rattlesnakes” seems harmless enough, and yes, throwing rattlesnakes at the British troops was key to overthrowing the King. History will never forget that. And yes, I can imagine a future government becoming so oppressive that we’d need to do it again. I’m the last guy who’d want to face a tyrannical government without his box of rattlesnakes. Plus there’s our tradition. We colonists have a long history of hunting with rattlesnakes as the British use falcons. Many of us love to collect snakes and find great satisfaction in cleaning them and launching them at targets. No one wants to limit our right to enjoy these simple country pleasures. Continue reading →
Three-card Romney
Mitt’s 47 percent blurtage reveals a huge and embarrassing problem. No, it’s not that he lacks empathy for voters whose cars must trudge up the stairs if they want to sleep in the upper garage. That’s old news. It’s not that he feels disdain for those of us whose greed failed to blossom the way it should have. I feel some disdain for myself too.
It’s that he might be a little dumb. Continue reading →
Feeling Elderly
We get used to feeling like an older person gradually. Continue reading →